


Five Times That Time Lords Not Having Prostate Glands Totally Could Have Come Up In Canon

by shinyopals



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, gallifreyan biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-26
Updated: 2011-06-26
Packaged: 2020-08-31 23:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20248678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinyopals/pseuds/shinyopals
Summary: Everyone knows that Time Lords have two hearts and can regenerate. Not everyone knows certain other facts about Time Lords.





	Five Times That Time Lords Not Having Prostate Glands Totally Could Have Come Up In Canon

**Author's Note:**

> It is Doctor Who EU canon that Time Lords don't have prostate glands. (See: [this summary of a Big Finish anthology](http://whoniverse.net/discontinuity/st06#ST06_09) and/or [this compilation of DW facts](http://meshyfish.com/~roo/docwho1.html).) Once upon a time, an LJ friend challenged me to answer a meme on that, and this is what resulted.
> 
> [First posted to my LJ back in 2011](https://shinyopals.livejournal.com/389658.html), and if Russia turns off the LJ servers tomorrow, this is the fic I will miss most, as it is my single-greatest contribution to all of literature. The rest of my DW fic is [here](https://shinyopals.livejournal.com/tag/fic) I guess (mostly Rose/Ten in some configuration), but I don't know if I'll ever move it.

### One

“And then d'you know what he said? He said 'That's not nearly enough tentacles!'”

Jack paused for appreciation, and the Doctor snorted. 

Jack's arrival had certainly... shaken things up. Normally when Rose had gone to bed, everything had turned quiet and the Doctor had relaxed and done a bit of work on the TARDIS. Sometimes it had felt a bit too quiet, but he'd got quite used to it. And knowing Rose was only a few corridors away (snoring) was quite nice.

Now, though... Jack'd only been on the TARDIS a couple of weeks and already the Doctor noticed he had a lot less quiet time and a lot more listening-to-highly-inappropriate-stories time. Jack didn't seem to need much sleep at all compared to Rose, and he was always happy to help the Doctor out with the TARDIS when the Doctor would let him. He did save the worst of his stories for after Rose went to bed though. Mostly, the Doctor suspected, in an attempt to shock _him_, but probably also to prevent himself from getting glared at for teaching Rose about certain aspects of the universe the Doctor wasn't sure she wanted to know about.

“Twenty of them, though, can you imagine it?” said Jack gleefully.

“Reattach those thermo-couplings, would you?” said the Doctor. “And I can, actually.”

He disappeared under the console to rewire the heating. 

“You can... imagine it?” He could hear the surprise in Jack's voice .

“I'm nine-hundred years old, you know. I've seen a few things.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Twenty four, in fact.”

“Twenty... four?” Now Jack just sounded impressed. The Doctor wasn't sure if that was a good thing, if he was honest. “That must have been a good night!”

The Doctor snorted again. He didn't suppose there was a point in explaining certain biological facts to the Captain. “Hurry up with those couplings, Jack,” he said.

“Yes, Sir!”

He wondered if he was imagining the new level of respect in Jack's voice.

### Two

“Wake up, you old git!”

The Doctor opened his eyes and glowered vaguely at the Master. Speaking took a lot of effort these days, so he hoped his _look_ conveyed what he wanted to communicate. That is: why are you here and can't you let me sleep, you wanker?

“Explain!” the Master demanded, holding out a DVD case for the Doctor to see.

The Doctor considered the title and the picture on the front and decided it was worth the effort of raising an eyebrow.

“It's called pornography,” he said.

The Master scoffed. “I know _that_,” he said. “What I meant was, having watched the first twenty minutes with Lucy, that bloke on the bottom seemed to be enjoying himself far too much.”

“You watched _Anal Sex Extravaganza XIV_ with Lucy?” said the Doctor doubtfully. While the Master's relationship with his wife was not one the Doctor really understood (or wanted to understand), he wasn't entirely certain hardcore gay pornography was part of a traditional human marriages.

“She got it for me,” said the Master with a shrug. “I think she enjoyed it more than me, actually. Although she did make some comment about me wanting a man in our relationship. I'm not sure what she was on about: I don't really listen much when she talks. Still, it doesn't make sense. Why would anyone enjoy that?”

The Doctor sighed. He was tired and not particularly interested in explaining human sexual behaviour (insofar as he understood it) to the Master. “It's enjoyable for human men because they have a thing called the prostate gland,” he said. “Now go and... find a biology textbook or something and leave me be. I'm tired.”

The Master seemed to consider this answer, squinting at the copulating couple on the front of the DVD case. 

“Looks like it'd be more fun for the bloke on top,” he said. He leered at the Doctor. “Want to give it a go? I'd even de-age you for a bit.”

The Doctor took a moment to work up his energy, then chucked his water bowl at the Master. 

“So that's a 'maybe'?”

The Doctor vaguely considered his aching limbs and how fed up he was of being old. “Ask me again when I'm not so tired,” he said. “Now let me sleep!”

“Fine, fine,” muttered the Master grumpily. “You're so boring these days.”

_Piss off,_ thought the Doctor as forcefully as he could.

“I heard that!” said the Master. “Grumpy old bastard.”

### Three

“Donna?”

She jumped. She'd clearly been engrossed in whatever it was she'd been reading.

As the Doctor approached her, she made a few moves to try and cover it up. 

“What are you reading?” he asked, curious now, bounding forward to see... “_Donna!_”

“What?” she said defensively.

She was reading _The Anatomy of a Time Lord_, pilfered, no doubt, from his own library. She'd got about two thirds of the way through. The Doctor shot a glare at the TARDIS for not hiding the book.

“But this is... this...” He gestured at the book, not sure what he was trying to say. “Donna!”

“Doctor,” she said, quieter now. “I'm not trying to be nosy or anything. It's just... the other day on Florine you'd just stopped breathing and everything. I thought you were dead! And then you jumped up like nothing had ever gone wrong! How am I supposed to know this stuff?”

“You could just _ask_,” he muttered, fidgeting guiltily. She had looked a bit worried that day when he'd woken up. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, fine,” he grumbled.

“There's some fascinating stuff in here anyway, Spaceman,”she said. “Every time I turn a page I keep expecting to find out you sparkle in the right kind of sunlight or something.”

The Doctor spluttered. “I do not... sparkle.”

She turned a page. The title was _The Time Lord Reproductive System_. She stared at the pages for a few moments squinting at one of the diagrams.

“Fascinating... stuff,” she repeated vaguely, apparently engrossed once more.

“DONNA.”

“All right, all right.” She shut the book. “Where are we going today?”

### Four

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Would you just... hurry it up back there?”

“What, you want me to just ram it in?” asked the UNIT doctor.

“Are you enjoying this?” asked the Doctor.

“Not really, no. My job description did not include fishing alien infestations out of other people's arses. Not even the supposedly wonderful Doctor's ar-”

“OW.”

“HOLD STILL. Or did you want me to get Dr Jones and ask her to do this?”

“NO. No Martha. No. Never ever. And no writing a report about this, either. And couldn't you try to have a bit of sympathy?”

“You're the one that sat on a nest of – what did you call them? Royteen? Surely a great, wise Time Lord should know better? You don't get to be surprised when they start making their way-”

“Oh, get on with it!”

“If you keep whining, I'll get what's-her-name, Donna, in here to hold your hand.”

The Doctor froze. “Whining? Me? Of course not. I'm not whining. I never whine.”

“Hold still, I'm just getting some more lube. Give me a sec.... You never know, maybe if you just relaxed a bit, you might quite enjoy this. Lots of men-”

“I am _not_ lots of men.”

### Five

The Doctor panted. 

He also gaped.

He was not currently capable of much else.

Lying next to him was a very naked and rather smug-looking Rose. Fortunately for his ego, as well as looking smug, she was also breathing heavily.

Various words, phrases and questions formed in his mind, but none of them made much sense. He settled, temporarily, for kissing Rose again. He made sure he kept it nice and slow and relaxing, because any kisses that gave the impression he'd be capable of doing _that_ again for at least another half an hour would be both misleading and disappointing.

Fortunately, Rose seemed to get the message, and she cuddled closer to him without breaking the kiss just yet. 

Eventually he judged himself probably able to speak again.

“Wh- what... just happened?” Was that his voice? It sounded a bit high-pitched to be his voice.

Rose grinned bashfully. “Well I know some guys, you know, enjoy that sort of thing.” She coughed and scratched her nose. The Doctor decided to work on the assumption that “some guys” meant that she'd read about it on the internet. “Is that all right? I mean, you seemed pretty into it. But if you don't want-”

“No! Um. I mean, that is...” He ran a hand through his hair. “I wasn't exactly expecting- what I mean is- Um...” He sighed and shut his eyes. This was not going well. He shouldn't have tried to talk yet. “That... wouldn't have worked if I'd been fully Time Lord still.”

He opened his eyes to find Rose staring at him. 

“Look, Time Lords are basically compatible with humans, but the biology is slightly different. The thing is, we don't – that is to say, I didn't – have-”

He broke off when Rose started to giggle into his shoulder.

“Oh, shush,” he muttered, hugging her tighter and marvelling at what his life had become.

She grinned and kissed his neck. 

“And Rose?”

“Mmm?”

“If... you want to do... _that_ again in the future... feel free.”

Laughing, she gave him another proper kiss. “I'll bear it in mind,” she promised.


End file.
